“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. “‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw.” — Jack Handey
2. “A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers
3. “A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill (said of Clement Attlee)
4. “I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers
5. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” — Jack Handey
6. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” — Mitch Hedberg
7. “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.” — Bob Monkhouse
8. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx
9. “If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.” — Stephen Colbert
10. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
11. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” — Henry J. Tillman
12. “It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried.” — Winston Churchill
13. “Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.” — Will Rogers (Rob adds: Not to take away from Will Rogers’s brilliant paraprosdokian, but … for the sake of several history buffs who read my blog, Rogers must have made this statement before Harding was elected.)
14. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
15. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
16. “She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.” — Groucho Marx
17. “Take my wife—please.” — Henny Youngman
18. “The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.”
19. “The saying ‘Getting there is half the fun’ became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.” — Henry J. Tillman
20. “There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.” — Shmuel Breban
21. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx
22. “When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.” — Emo Philips
23. “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.” Winston Churchill
24. ” It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.” Winston Churchill
25. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
26. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
27. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
28. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
29. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
30. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
31. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
32. A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.
33. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
34. Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.
35. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
36. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
37. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
38. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
39. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
40. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
41. Here are a few by some of the masters of the art. (Quoting them is not a wholesale endorsement.)
42. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
43. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
44. I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.
45. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
46. I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
47. I didn’t say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming you.
48. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
49. I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero?
50. I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.
51. I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
52. I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
53. I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
54. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
55. I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
56. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
57. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
58. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
59. I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”
60. I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”
61. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
62. If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”
63. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
64. If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
65. If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
66. Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.”
67. Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”
68. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
69. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
70. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
71. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
72. Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
73. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
74. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
75. The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
76. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
77. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
78. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
79. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
80. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
81. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
82. Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
83. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
84. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
85. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
86. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify,” I put “A DOCTOR.”
87. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
88. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
89. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
90. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
91. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
92. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
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